Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be slapped by the prettiest girl in town when you flirt with her during a drunken game of Name That Celebrity and coyly ask to put your Harry Dean in her Stanton.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your stiffening body will be discovered on your parents' couch this week after the excitement you experience over the added four minutes of Star Wars footage bursts your fatty heart.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your ego will be irreparably damaged this week when your girlfriend leaves you for some guy named Dave, a "much better cartographer."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Conditions at your workplace become intolerable when your boss announces that your new capeless uniforms will be blue and white with a prominent lightning-bolt motif.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Financial hardship strikes you this week. However, it need not be a serious matter, as you are Emperor Of All The Germanies.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Volunteering for your nation's fledgling space program results in your being issued a scuba mask and having a stick of TNT shoved up your rectum. Move out of Uganda.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your sudden promotion to Admiral will surprise no one more than yourself, as you are currently a lowly dishwasher at the M&H; Convenience Mart and Truck Corral.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Everybody loves a clown, but next week the vice squad will arrest you for loving dozens of them against their will.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Forgive an old grudge this week. George Burns is dead, after all.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your obsession with England's royal family ends this week when you realize that you are not one of them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.