Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t…
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.