Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.