Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Psychoanalysis focuses on causes, therapy focuses on consequences, but your new method of counseling people focuses mostly on drilling holes in them.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

People would have disapproved of your long-term career plans even if you hadn't carved them into the flesh of your enemies.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll welcome a new life into the world next week, when a dimensional portal opens in your den and vomits forth an extraplanar pig-beast of astounding malevolence.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your prayers will finally be answered, but due to a mistake in routing, the response will come from the assistant postmaster of Fayetteville, AR.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, particularly when serving yourself a "decent-sized" slice of pie.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll be the envy of all the sexual-product engineers when your dildo design is admitted to the Vibrary of Congress.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You're starting to think that traveling the country looking for crooks is a little silly, but really, there's little other place in society for a talking dog.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You'll be of two minds about things next week, primarily because of the renegade saw blade that neatly severs your corpus callosum Monday.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll make archeological history when, while looking for a good place to eat downtown, you instead discover the lost biblical city of Urkesh.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Turns out it takes only four seconds to fall from the top of your building to the parking lot, but it'll sure seem longer.

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