Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Someday, you'll look back on all of this and laugh very, very bitterly.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Oh, and be careful of that tricky first step. It isn't there.