Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You should tell your lover how much you dislike the sweater she bought you. This will help ensure that she won't bury you in it next week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Forces beyond your understanding have decreed that you will have a pretty much average week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If string theory is right about the structure of our universe, then all three spatial dimensions are circular. Just like all three of your spatial dimensions, tubbo!
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You can only hope that history will recognize that you had to destroy the cream pie in order to save it in two different sized Cool Whip containers.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You still aren't sure what Keats meant when he called Milton "Chief of organic numbers! / Old scholar of the spheres!" after seeing a single lock of his hair.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Ballet dancing will ruin your feet by the time you're 35, even though you've never danced and are, in fact, a line cook.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The unstoppable machinery of fate has set in motion irreversible events which shall inexorably lead to your acquisition of an unwanted nickname.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You knew your new boyfriend was high-maintenance, but you didn't think you'd have to do all the feeding and wiping yourself.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The tragic events of next Thursday will finally teach you that there aren't any good pranks you can pull using a kidney-dialysis machine.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars indicate that this is a good week for your love lifeñeven in the Southern Hemisphere, where different stars are visible.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It turns out that a journey through the nine circles of hell is a good concept for an epic poem, but not for a restaurant.