Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.

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