Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Leo would like to thank Peavey amps, Fender guitars, Zildjian cymbals, and the whole gang at the Shuffle Inn.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Come on, now: Are you really going to let some silly trio of colored lights tell you how to drive your car?
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your romantic promise to give your lover the moon goes awry when removing the satellite from orbit results in massive tsunamis, earthquakes, and 50-foot tides.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your satisfaction over a job well done will be marred somewhat when you leave the White House owing your defense lawyers more than $3 million.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: Not everyone can be Lou Gehrig. Try to be the first.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're becoming impatient waiting for the television industry to get off its butt and fix this country.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Some days it just isn't worth getting out of bed in the morning, such as next Friday, when several structural steel I-beams will fall across your chest.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be stripped of your Miss America crown after police find you hiding under a parked car and forcibly remove the stolen tiara from your head.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will trace your heritage back five centuries to a matched breeding pair brought to the New World by Spanish conquistadors to provide meat.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will make considerable contributions to society through your membership in People for the Animalistic Treatment of Ethics.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If people seem to be treating you with a little more respect lately, it's because you have an overactive imagination.