Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Advances in medical technology will soon make it possible for EMTs to train on highly advanced mannequins, leaving you with absolutely nothing to do on nights and weekends.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
There's no shame in being a little depressed from time to time. There is, however, lots of shame in washing dozens of cheese-filled pancakes down your throat with bourbon because of it.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
No one can say you're not a good father, but that's because your kids' very existence has been a closely guarded state secret for many years.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always feared change in your life, so relax: You're going to be in a nice, stable coma for the foreseeable future.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your only rule is never to volunteer for anything, which sucks when people ask if you'd like a big bag of money.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll soon be so fat that, when you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai, you sit around the Morbid Obesity Intensive Cardiac Therapy Center at Mount Sinai.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The other guys keep telling you to get rid of that beard you've had since college, but not only are you quite fond of her, she is also the mother of your two darling daughters.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be getting plenty of hot and heavy action in the near future, but unfortunately for your love life, it's mostly the explosions, car chases, and heavy gunfire kind of action.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You thought you'd have a hard time finding steady work as a compliant sexual zombie, but next week will demonstrate that there's always a demand for real talent.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Having a foot fetish is one thing, but chopping the feet off of a perfectly good woman and discarding the rest is just plain wasteful.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Right now, you have no knowledge of basic metallurgy, but after next week's trip to the foundry, you'll be keenly aware of the exact melting point of lead.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Wearing white after Labor Day isn't the faux pas it once was, but wearing the same tattered white wedding dress from now until Labor Day is going to be seen as somewhat odd.