Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will strike an unholy bargain with Satan when His Infernal Majesty stops by your garage sale and refuses to pay more than 10 dollars for your perfectly serviceable old luggage.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your spouse of many years will leave you this week for a man with a much more expensive car bra.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Water magick is strong in Gemini this month, but be careful: That insidious fluid can still drown your ass dead.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your worldview will be turned upside down this week when you learn that a gasoline's octane rating has nothing to do with its flavor.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will open the eyes of a nation and force people to confront age-old lies by publishing the hideous truth about Johnny Appleseed, America's secret shame.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be committed to the care of mental-health professionals after claiming that the celestial motions of Jupiter are having a profound effect on your sales career.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Despite your years of dedicated community work, death by fire is still only the third-leading cause of infant mortality in your township.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Next Saturday at 3:27 p.m. would be a good time to turn around and see what's careening toward you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will finally settle into that cute little red-brick house this week, but beware: The wolves have made great strides recently in the field of huff-and-puff technology.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite years of worry and anxiety, you’ll have no trouble creating the sofa of your dreams.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The colorful custom of hurling a daily Pisces from the top of a bridge dates back to 7th-century Finland.