Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering on an important personal quest, you become the Flying Dutchman of your local big-box stores.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll enter the record books in style, better than tripling Roy Sullivan's old mark of being struck by lightning an amazing seven times.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Although you've always worried about dying alone and unloved, you can put your mind at ease: A tragic mix-up at the pheromone lab will lead to your being loved to death by nine separate species.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars would love to take credit for guiding you to your fated destiny, but Occam's Razor and plain common sense point toward your turning into a colossal asshole.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There are many possible fates in store for you this week, but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You never wondered what would happen if all those big glass skyscraper windows fell to the sidewalk at once, but you'll soon be able to satisfy the curiosity of those who have.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
To your vast surprise and that of marine biologists worldwide, you'll discover that you play a vital role in the 30-year mating cycle of the limpet shark.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There will be little change in your uneventful life this week, which is too bad considering you've been hanging from those manacles for a couple decades now.