Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The residents of your community form a torch-lit mob and appear on your doorstep demanding a glass of milk.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands."


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your mail-order sweater business will be such a success that you can finally afford that second refrigerator you've always dreamed of.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The world of Irish performing arts is turned upside-down when a newly discovered ancient Gaelic scroll reveals that you are the true Lord of the Dance.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You are such an expert on the subject of sex that people begin referring to you as a "sexpert."

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Despite a stunning full-color swimsuit photo of you for the month of May, the 1998 Big Fat Asshole calendar sells just two copies.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will enjoy newfound popularity in Mainland China due to their belief that you are a powerful aphrodisiac when ground up and put in tea.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will be financially, physically and emotionally destroyed after years of superstitious belief in astrology.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You are fired from your job at the Piercing Pagoda after botching a customer's scrotal-barbell insertion in full view of hundreds of mallgoers.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Despite the efforts of U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS), your famous lemon cookies remain legal in 46 states.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The ghost of Charles Kuralt appears before you and asks to borrow your tape of this week's Frasier.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You are out of pencils, and the only pencil store in town closes in less than five minutes.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter