Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.