Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.