Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.