Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.