Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.