Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.