Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.