Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.