Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.