Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.