Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
During the celebration of your birthday, your best friend will crystallize your thoughts when she says, "This is the worst party ever."
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Past mistakes will come back to haunt you this week when your traffic-ticket hearing is complicated by the untimely discovery of those seven nurses in Oregon.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will make headlines nationally when more than two dozen people witness your brutal, protracted public slaying and make no attempt whatsoever to help you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The triumphant return of Jesus turns sour when he demands to play keyboards for your Bad English tribute band.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your scheme to score with your date by slipping something into her drink while she goes off to the bathroom backfires when it turns out she despises the taste of Hydrox cookies.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Aliens descend upon your house this week, implanting in your subconscious the stong suggestion to take up model railroading.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A great honor is bestowed upon you this week when Pam Dawber records a new answering-machine message for you free of charge.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your dead father will cause awkwardness among your family this week when he is reincarnated as your son.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
To your great embarrassment, you discover this week that the purchase of a cellular phone does not require you to choose a "handle."