Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your willingness to gamble on extreme long shots is endearing, but you never should've bet your life savings on the Bears to win the 1986 world championship.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your ruthlessness in carrying out love-triangle arbitrage will earn you a fearsome reputation as a short-term emotional-bond trader.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing you've been told will prepare you for the pain of childbirth, especially when your daughter bursts from your brow, decapitating you instantly.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's true that the best things in life are free, but you've never been the kind of person who demands quality.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The ghost of Roger Troutman magically appears to you whenever you do something funky, which explains why you've seen him only once.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You thought pulling off the heist would be as easy as taking candy from a baby, but then you found out the four tons of fine imported Italian chocolates had to be kept at a constant temperature.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Upon your death this Friday, you'll find that entrance to heaven is granted only to members and those non-members who first agree to view a half-millennium sales presentation for condos in Elysium.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Many major changes are ahead for you this week, but you'll probably give most of your attention to the changes involving temperature, altitude, and brain activity.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be overcome with a mixture of empathy and annoyance when you accidentally stumble into the closet where all the suppressed homosexuals hang out.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You have an irrefutable message concerning the importance of psychoactive drugs in personal development, but no one will heed your boring, hyper-rational lectures.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In your quest for supremacy, you'll be accused of overlooking the human cost. But you'll know that's ridiculous—you've already spent well over $700.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Everyone is aware that you don't care what the people say, but that doesn't mean they'll listen when you tell them you're going to love them anyway.