Aries | March 21 to April 19

A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.