Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.