Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.