Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There is not a person alive who can't beat you at tic-tac-toe.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.