Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.