Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be pressured to resign as chairman of the board of directors when it comes to light that you are, in fact, absolutely terrible at sitting at the head of really long tables.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You thought it was only people in movies that were tied to railroad tracks by mustachioed villains, but your upcoming experience on Walt Disney World's monorail will prove otherwise.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll find yourself simultaneously at the heart of a legal tangle and the burn ward when you finally get the opportunity to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
All your old problems will dissolve when you're forced to confront what's really important, namely explosive botulism.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After Wednesday, you can say you've seen everything. Unfortunately, you'll have seen it from such a distance that you won't be able to make out the details.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Everyone takes a while to adjust to new surroundings, but unfortunately, you only have eight minutes before the fissure begins to fill with magma.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Magritte says the mind loves images whose meaning is unknown, as the mind itself is unknown; but you actually think it's mostly about threesomes.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You believed being stranded on that desert island put an end to your run of lousy luck, but the natives will soon become strangely inspired and fashion a crude bus to hit you with.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll start waking covered in bruises on a variety of 12th- through 16th-floor exterior ledges, proving once and for all that you shouldn't piss off your city's powerful pigeon lobby.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sure, you're exceptionally well-lit, but you're becoming tired of being followed around by a crew of technicians and their array of floods, pin-spots, and reflectors.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's been six months since you walked in and set up the tent, and the owners are considering changing the sign to All You Can Eat In One Sitting, Not Over The Course Of Your Lifetime.