Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars do indeed hold the wisdom of the cosmos and the secrets of creation, but few realize that they also hold the hottest after-parties.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're not sure that mandatory drug testing is constitutional, but, that said, you're willing to give them a try.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you've been a problem in your community for years, and not one athlete has done crap for you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It's hard to tell someone who's always been there for you that you're no longer in love with him, but that's why you'll hire a publicist.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Stop telling people you have a "unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The extreme weather conditions of next week will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll soon find love with someone whose indifference, lack of self-respect, and ability to suspend disbelief are perfect for you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your career is going so well that at this rate, there might not be any nurses left alive in six years.