Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.