Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.

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