Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your confusing the Spanish words "abogado" and "bodega" will lead to your having the worst legal counsel in Mexico next week.