Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've never set yourself up as any kind of role model, which is a good thing for all those kids who want to be popular and interesting.