Gemini | May 21 to June 20

While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You've never set yourself up as any kind of role model, which is a good thing for all those kids who want to be popular and interesting.