Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.