Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.


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