Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.