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Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

"You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.