Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
"You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.