Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.