Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It'll be hard to get used to your new life, but you'll come to realize you wouldn't trade it for all the working legs and non-prehensile noses in the world.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the 11th hour.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Take heart: There is indeed a ruler of the universe who surpasses all understanding and is greater than all men. Luckily, He never seems to notice us.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've heard that no two snowflakes are alike, and you're pretty certain that this indicates an ethical failing on their part.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Neither love nor money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, we're down to about 17 ounces of the highly unstable stuff that does.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You know you're supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that advice is of little help to an avowed cat person.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've always considered yourself to be good with children, making it quite a surprise when they all decide to hunt you down.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No further cosmic developments are scheduled this week. Please interpret any as anomalies and ignore.