Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.