Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.