Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've always had trouble controlling your base impulses, but they do lead you to have fun and experience cool things.