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Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.