Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.