Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.