Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.