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Horoscope for the week of November 6, 2002

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.