Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.

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