Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.