Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.