Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.