Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Seeing the look on the cop's face when he found the tiger in your apartment was pretty cool, but it wasn't really worth the horrible lacerations you received.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will reluctantly reach the conclusion that those snobs at Artforum don't know a goddamn thing about death metal.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An elite squad of international assassins will target you, in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Keep in mind that the accepted order is rape, then pillage, and then burn.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
George Jones predicted that you will stop loving her today, but he left the exact method for doing so ambiguous.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll finally learn the basics of poetic meter and scansion, but by then, it'll be too late for them to do you any good.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.