Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An unusually reticent Satan will take you to a somewhat high place and, in exchange for your allegiance, offer to make you treasurer of all you survey.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A sign from the heavens will guide your every waking moment for the foreseeable future. It will be a sign telling you about The WB's hot new show Greetings From Tucson.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although you've always wondered if this is all there is to life, it's not like you've done anywhere near all of this in the first place.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll continue to encounter long silences after uttering your trademark catchphrase, "Who fucked a chicken in here?"
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'd chew through piles of the dead for a smile from a pretty girl, which is fortunate.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're not even the greatest lover in the food court, which is what you get for working at Barry White's Supperteria.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You like to think you can be relied on to do the right thing in a crisis. Well, enjoy your last few days of believing that, pants-wetting panic bunny.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Unfortunately, there are only "kill or cure" solutions to your problem, but, hey, anything's better than hiccups.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will once again have to deal with obvious fabrications, emotionally manipulative arguments, and outright insanity, but it means so much to your mom when you take her to church.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be surprised how little you miss the parts that don't grow back.