Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.