Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.