Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.